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 IntroductionHey homeboys and girls. Thank you for clicking this button. As you probably know, I am a guitarist/musician. You also probably know I have had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS or Lou Gehrig's disease) for over 20 years. In 1989, doctors told me I would probably die in 3 to 5 years. What you probably don't know is why I am still alive, and why in the past four years I haven’t gotten any worse, only better. I have gained at least 30 pounds and three muscles, and this is with a few months here and there of getting off health food and treatments. What follows is a hint of the nature of the book I am currently writing. Since most of this article was written for a spiritual magazine called "Self Realization", it leans toward that aspect of my life. My book will have much more music and other stories about dealing with ALS, as well as more spiritual stuff. Please take what you want and leave the rest. I sincerely hope you enjoy yourselves while reading this. Included are other web sites or names that help and inspire me. Thanks. By the way, Ammachi is my guru. Yogananda's teachings, in themselves, are perfectly wonderful and, as you will see, they work. But to have a mahatma living like Amma, that you can actually talk to, and touch is the greatest thing one could hope for. An organization like "Self Realization Fellowship" sometimes thinks it can interpret the master's teachings and not just let them stand on their own. All I am saying is no one religion or organization has a patent on enlightenment. Follow your own heart.
We live thinking
we will never die. | ||||||
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 When
I was in elementary school there was a creek right around the corner
where my family
and friends would play. The Richmond SRF Temple
was built right above it. While walking home from high school, my
friends would take SRF literature and read it sort of mockingly,
although the
meaning couldn't be mocked. I laughed with them but always said, "He
is right though. This guy knows everything." At the time, though,
I thought I also knew everything because I was a very good guitarist
and giving lessons to even my music teacher.At sixteen I met my friend, Marty Friedman, a great guitarist, who had already made a few records. We made four albums of virtuoso-type guitar playing together, and played in Japan and across the U.S. We never got mega-famous together but we are known all over the world for our innovative style. In 1989, I left to do my own music only. I joined David Lee Roth's band when I was 20. Every guitarist would have killed for this gig because the two previous guitarists, Eddie Van Halen and Steve Vai were respected stars. In 1990, I won a readers' poll for best new guitarist in "Guitar Magazine". top |
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 I had been having
a lazy limp in my left leg so I went to check it out. I was diagnosed
with ALS (amyotrophic
lateral sclerosis or Lou Gehrig's disease) and given five years
to live. The doctors even said don't bother changing your diet
because
it won't help. My family was crushed, but I just laughed and said "no
way, I have things to do and I'm invincible." My father quit his
job to come and live with me in Glendale. I went to Vancouver to
record Dave's album, "A Little Ain't Enough," which went gold.
The weakness traveled through my body into my fingering hand and,
unbeknownst
to all but my friend, Steve Hunter, I barely finished the album
with a shaky hand. I was also falling often. I laughed about it
because
I thought it would go away. (See TEARSHEET
GALLERY)One night I dreamed I was running. When I woke up I forgot I had a limp, so I walked totally normal until I remembered, "oh, yeah, I have a limp". Then I immediately stumbled. That showed me that if you have control over your mind, you can do anything.  Anyway,
back to Dave's band. Since I couldn't tour with Dave because I was
too weak, I started recording on a keyboard and computer with
one hand because the other hand would fall. The writing came easy because
whole pieces came into my head without any effort. Having great musician
friends lay down tracks the way I wanted, including Steve Perry from
Journey and members of Bobby McFerrin's Voicestra, took some time but
with the help of my friends, Mike Bemesderfer and Dan Alvarez, it was
finished in 1995, and released in Japan. Every song came from my heart.
It has my guitar playing, full orchestral pieces with flavors of modern
and Baroque classical, African, Indian, blues, rock, Native American,
choral, Japanese, and fire guitar. Thanks to Eddie Van Halen,
'Perspective' was released on Warner Brothers Records in May 2001.
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I could only do the lesson exercises in my head, but this never discouraged me because Master always includes us disabled folks. He doesn't give us excuses. He always says if you can't do everything, you can at least do it in your mind. He means it when he says God is for all. In 1996, I could barely breathe unless I was totally reclined. Lack of air and so much fear made me very angry much of the time. This anger compounded because I got mad at myself for getting mad. Finally, in February 1997, I reluctantly went to get a tracheostomy (a tube through my throat for breathing) and a gastrostomy (a tube through my abdomen into my stomach for liquids). When I first got to the hospital I hadn't slept for three days. I lay down and stopped breathing. Everyone was happy I was finally resting. My girlfriend came in and started worrying because I responded to nothing. After trying to comfort the ignorant lay people of my family, the doctor finally looked at my chart and me and realized I needed a breathing mask. I had carbon dioxide poisoning. I was close to being a veggie. I am so sorry for people whose lives slip away by human mistakes. I guess it was meant to be, but dang! I only remember a few minutes of the next week. I had never taken any drug in my life. They had me on morphine and although I needed it and sometimes it felt good and helped me sleep, it made me feel even less in control and thus very angry with everyone, especially nurses.
The hospital staff wanted my family out, but only my family could communicate with me. My father invented an ingenious alphabet board with which there is no waiting and pointing like with most boards. Each letter is indicated by two specific eye movements. I can say anything I want very quickly. As soon as the staff saw that my family was not going to leave me for a second - out of love and necessity and not just to complain about the job they were doing - they were happy to have help. One particular event in the hospital
changed my life. I hadn't slept for well over 36 hours. Every hour
or two a nurse came in to stick a tube down my throat to suction
out mucous from my lungs. This made me violently cough which made
my groin unbearably painful. I felt that one more suction would
literally kill me. I prayed to God very sincerely to not let me
die without knowing the point of it all and learning more about
Him. This night at 4:00 AM, my girlfriend was too exhausted to
wake up. The nurse who then came in knew I was frantically trying
to say no to suction, but she said, "I am just doing my job." She
wouldn't wake my girlfriend up. When she finally left I lay in
the dark feeling raped. I felt the life start to leave my body.
My eyes were open but I couldn't even tense one muscle. I started
to black out. All at once I heard distant voices of people I love.
After all this hellish fear and confusion, the good stuff began. Without having
read Yogananda's lessons, this Grace of God (or my awareness of
it) might have ended with
this experience. But now I was fired up because Master's words
were proven. Every moment I could, I practiced the techniques and
for once I could pray from my heart. God gave me many more lessons
and visions. Words are inadequate to describe these. I am speechless
in God's love and perfection. He showed me that I would never truly
leave the people I love. And God is playful. When I would start
to drift off to sleep, He would gently but firmly tap my foot to
wake me up. After a few times of opening my eyes to see no one
there, I knew he was playing with me. God didn't want me to sleep,
He was having fun in our loving exchanges. Since this great couple
of weeks I haven't kept up the intensity, but I will always know
God is with me, guiding me, ready to play, teach and love. |
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I hung pictures of the SRF Gurus in my hospital room. I had dim lighting and meditation music playing as often as possible. The staff always came into my room to relax and talk with my family to get away from the hectic hospital environment.
Now that my parents have seen the infinite ways Paramahansa Yogananda and Divine Mother are literally with me and with them, they faithfully read the Lessons and know they are not alone. The Richmond SRF Temple always sends my parents and me beautiful flowers.
These things are indispensable, no doubt, but there is something subtle which is growing more tangible every day (or I should say every month because I still make many mistakes, so I only see my progress when I look back and reflect). The constancy of ALS can be overwhelming. There is never a lunch hour or even a second break. Not only during my four hours a day of attempted meditation (or, as I call it, swallowtation, because spit rolls down my throat causing me to swallow a lot), but most minutes of the day I feel an inner peace. I know Master is taking most of the hell away, literally. I once read a story about Master's favorite disciple, Rajarsi Janakananda. Master had left the body. During Rajarsi's last couple of years, he had a painful brain tumor, yet he was peaceful. He said Master often came into his body to take on the pain himself. I know Master loves his most mistake-ridden, forgetful, arrogant devotees like me as much as his favorite disciples. A dream-vision my mother had, proved what I already felt.
Master
has taught me to love and respect saints of all religions. Thanks
to Yogananda
I am open to learn
from Jesus and every saint I read about. A few times I have gone
to see a great saint and healer, Mata Amritanandamayi, or Ammachi.
Since I have a picture of Yogananda on my wheelchair, people always
come up to talk about Him and are happy to know about the Richmond
SRF Temple. The last day Ammachi was here, I was feeling a little
guilty because I feel such love for her (even though Master is
always in my mind). When I got home, there was a personal letter
from the Mother Center with rose petals blessed at Guruji's shrine.
To me Master was saying, "I am always with you wherever you are.
I know what is in your heart." |
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Ammachi
Every word I read drew me deeper into
her. The music I heard and the ceremonies I saw on a video were
weird to me at first, but her perfect love and presence made me
know that was my problem and I would soon get over it. Before her next visit in June, I had been taking lortab (liquid vicadin) almost every day for months because it got rid of my intense runny nose. I had been feeling bad for not having the strength to stop, but if I didn't take it someone would have to constantly wipe my nose. I didn't want to take drugs around Amma, so I prayed to not need it during her visit. Eight days before she came I was able to stop taking it. I was grateful to get through the two weeks but now it has been six months since I took any drug, and I never feel like taking it, so I haven't. Amma is the supreme drug. During this June visit I had a couple of wishes that weren't really big deals or what I would feel comfortable asking for. First, I had the wish for Amma to feed me a chocolate kiss. She gives every one of the thousands of people she hugs and blesses a blessed Hershey's kiss, but almost never puts it in their mouths. I had been to see her a few times but the very day I had the secret wish for her to put the kiss in my mouth, she did. Ok, neat coincidence.
So my weird wish was to have a little piece of Amma's hair. To many people there is the energy, power and love of the whole universe in a great soul. Even their cells are different. For me it is like touching the robe of Jesus. My prayer was answered in two ways. That day she grabbed my hand and put it on the back of her head for a few minutes. Later I saw a friend of mine who used to be a Self Realization Fellowship nun. She gave me a piece of Yogananda's hair, out of the blue. I had never told one person of my wishes. Since this time, I have seen Amma many more times. There are so many miracles and neat events that happen around her. Just when I think of her, amazing things happen. There are so many stories, but something makes me not want to tell them just yet. I need to absorb them inside first. (to be continued)..... |
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Recommended Books: |
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My response to the February 28th 60 Minutes spot about people with ALS This segment got my feathers ruffled for a few reasons.
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Most
of my beautiful friends are not Self-Realization Fellowship
members, although they respect Yogananda and Ammachi. I just
think this could be a neat story that might increase one's
own faith, from wherever it stems.
The first time I felt like I could
die was when my voice got weak. I panicked. I needed something.
I had my mercury fillings removed, chelation, acupuncture, massage,
and diets. I finally thought I needed God, but I never cared or
thought about God. How could I know something unknowable? Plus,
many religious people I knew were nerdy, annoying, judgmental hypocrites.
For some reason I thought you had to be that way to be spiritual
(now most every religious friend I have is a great person who tries
to live like Christ or their favorite saint). I read the New Testament
and though I thought Christ was a perfect God, the words often
flew over my head and I didn't think I could know Him.
My father and I started reading Yogananda's
book, Man's Eternal Quest and I found out there
were lessons. He called the Richmond Temple and asked if someone
could come talk
to me. Brother Devananda came and gave me Yogananda's book, Where
There Is Light. He (and since then every monk and nun
who has come to my house) meditated with me, my family and devotee
friends.
They all give me wisdom, love and compassion, and even though they
know there are higher states than body consciousness, they never
belittle my condition. 
This wisdom and understanding from all devotees
of Master put the icing on the perfect, beautiful cake of Master's
teachings and I had found my path. My father and I ordered the
lessons, we went to the Temple when we could, and I started reading
Yogananda's Gita for hours a day. Also, sometimes
my friend, Serrana, and my mother and uncle wheeled me up to the
Temple. There
I met an inspiring devotee, David Dunlop. He has become a great
friend. He has brought many great stories, friends and monastics
to my life. He often comes to meditate or just hang. His ability
to see Master and Divine Mother in everyone makes my family and
me so comfortable and uplifted that we can't help but share even
our darkest secrets. We also see Yogananda work through him.
When I finally came to, I had two
brand new shiny holes in my body. I was scared to death, and a
groin pain that had been bothering me for a while (which I later
found out was excessive air from swallowing) became excruciating
every time I coughed or moved. No doctors gave any importance to
it because they didn't have an answer. Only a month later did I
discover I could remove cups of air out of the tummy tube, and
all pain went away for good.
While I was still dying, I heard
the OM. I felt I was being cradled by something familiar. In one silly
vibration - such power, love, infinite wisdom, everything to be known
and felt if only I could comprehend one tiny piece of its all-encompassing
perfection. During these most blissful moments of my life, something
in my heart said, "Lord, I am not ready to go". Instantly I felt life
coming back to my body. My eyes were uncontrollably lifted to gaze
in my forehead. Without a body, clearer than "life", I went through
a door with an eye on it. I believe God was showing me "heaven". It
was my idea of a perfect place. Whatever I thought was effortlessly
manifest. In my mind I created a guitar and hands to play it. From
my mind effortlessly flowed the most beautiful music I have ever heard.
Before I even thought of the next perfect phrase it would flow into
the ears. I think God was showing me the human potential. We work so
hard but if we surrender to God there is no limit to our capabilities.
After God was finished trying to teach something to this egotistic
knucklehead, my eyes fell back down to my girlfriend sleeping on a
cot in the hospital. As I slowly gathered myself and realized the incredible
blessing I had received, I felt only love. I tried to remember anger
and pain but they were all gone. When the nurse came back and my girlfriend
woke up, a glow filled the room. We all could only smile. We all became
good friends and talked a lot. From then on I made many nurse and doctor
friends. 
People
wonder how I can be happy and excited about life with no movement,
voice,
or breathing without
a machine. The most obvious reasons are a great family and friends
showering me with affection. I constantly feel love and respect
from everyone I meet and from fans around the world. Plus, in addition
to "Perspective" having come out in 2001, I have three CD's worth
of guitar material that I recorded at home while I could still
play,
ready to be released, an instructional video for guitarists, and
a ten-minute video for "Perspective" with a full orchestra, a ballet,
and my father's paintings. Plus, this SRF article that I have written
with my eyes has inspired me to start writing my book. I am also
trying to get funding for a computer that reads my eye movements.
With this computer I could also record the music that is in my
head, and write a book. And I am doing a treatment called the Wet
Cell Battery, advised for ALS by the Sleeping Prophet, 
One day I was meditating. Mom lay
down in front of me. She drifted and then something made her look
at me. Instead of me, Yogananda was in my wheelchair with a tube
in his throat. He was breathing like me, looking at my mom with
a big smile on his face. Mom closed and opened her eyes to see
me suddenly jerk. I think Yogananda was giving me a break and my
jerk was him leaving my body.
My
second silent wish might seem pretty strange to most people and
I certainly don't blame them. Most of
my life when any spiritual talk started I just tuned out and thought, "let's
just have fun and jam, man." I always thought there was something
phony, grasping, judgmental and arrogant in assuming that you knew
something too deep and mysterious for anyone to really know. But
this is why I love Yogananda so much. No matter what your religious
faith or even if you are an atheist or agnostic, like I was, you
can scientifically prove the existence of God to yourself without
having to worry if you are putting your trust in someone who doesn't
really know God. Yogananda gives scientific techniques for knowing
God. If practiced faithfully, they can't fail, whether you like
Yogananda or not. Another thought I have had in the past was that
this world is great so, why bother finding God. God is infinite,
but one way I can think to describe the feeling is a long-lasting
orgasm in every cell of your body and being. |